I am not talking about heights, or swimming, or spiders, although I guess they still count. But on a deeper, or more personal level, what are you terrified of?
To make this not-so-uncomfortable, I will start first.
I am scared of a lot of things, although I choose to pretend like I'm not. This is a safe space, so maybe that's why typing this one out feels less threatening than answering a Truth, or a drunk confession even.
I am scared of pushing people away because of who I am. I won't pick up your calls or answer your texts when I'm mentally away. You won't know what's wrong until I tell you. IF I tell you. I could go on and on, but really, what's the point?
Not a self-pity post, I'm working on not doing this. Full disclosure hasn't been reached yet, but one step at a time right guys?
I am scared that my 'potential' or what I deem as my potential will be wasted away and that I will not have achieved anything I want, or desired. Think Augustus Waters, but less pretentious, and less ill.
I want my words to matter, I want myself to matter, I want to do things, make a change, influence people ... But what if I just don't?
No solution to this one, is there? And I can't really pop up to a Cancer Survivor Group in order to befriend my very own Hazel now, can I? (tbh, I loved the writing, but in hindsight, I do not like the book. LFA, I do likes very much)
Additionally, I'm scared that
- my beautiful friends will never love themselves as they should because we value self-doubt more than confidence
- if I ever fall in love with a queer person, we'll be dead, or jailed
- my kids (if I ever decide to have any) will not appreciate, forget love, Harry Potter
- my parents will have to go away someday and I can never ever be prepared for that, no matter what I do
- there is really no magic in the world (we deserve nice things c'mon)
- white supremacy shall reign again and the entire POC world will end up as a hashtag
- progress made in the Queer Rights Movement in India will end up travelling more backwards
- I will never be able to convey what I want, or that I will but it'll remain unread
{ also that this post seems incomplete but I'm wondering how to get back to being okay with honest posts on this blog, so I'm just hitting publish and maybe it's premature but fuck it right? }
What keeps you up after everybody starts to snore at a sleepover? What do you even not pen down in your journal? Leave a comment, or two, anonymously if you'd like. Because why not.
Take care of yourselves, have some tea, and sleep a lot while you can.
x
PS: The about me section has been updated, any comments or feedback?
