What Are You Afraid Of?

I am not talking about heights, or swimming, or spiders, although I guess they still count. But on a deeper, or more personal level, what are you terrified of?

To make this not-so-uncomfortable, I will start first.

I am scared of a lot of things, although I choose to pretend like I'm not. This is a safe space, so maybe that's why typing this one out feels less threatening than answering a Truth, or a drunk confession even.

I am scared of pushing people away because of who I am. I won't pick up your calls or answer your texts when I'm mentally away. You won't know what's wrong until I tell you. IF I tell you. I could go on and on, but really, what's the point?

Not a self-pity post, I'm working on not doing this. Full disclosure hasn't been reached yet, but one step at a time right guys?

I am scared that my 'potential' or what I deem as my potential will be wasted away and that I will not have achieved anything I want, or desired. Think Augustus Waters, but less pretentious, and less ill.

I want my words to matter, I want myself to matter, I want to do things, make a change, influence people ... But what if I just don't?

No solution to this one, is there? And I can't really pop up to a Cancer Survivor Group in order to befriend my very own Hazel now, can I? (tbh, I loved the writing, but in hindsight, I do not like the book. LFA, I do likes very much)

Additionally, I'm scared that

• my beautiful friends will never love themselves as they should because we value self-doubt more than confidence 
• if I ever fall in love with a queer person, we'll be dead, or jailed
• my kids (if I ever decide to have any) will not appreciate, forget love, Harry Potter
• my parents will have to go away someday and I can never ever be prepared for that, no matter what I do
• there is really no magic in the world (we deserve nice things c'mon)
• white supremacy shall reign again and the entire POC world will end up as a hashtag
• progress made in the Queer Rights Movement in India will end up travelling more backwards
• I will never be able to convey what I want, or that I will but it'll remain unread 

{ also that this post seems incomplete but I'm wondering how to get back to being okay with honest posts on this blog, so I'm just hitting publish and maybe it's premature but fuck it right? }

What keeps you up after everybody starts to snore at a sleepover? What do you even not pen down in your journal? Leave a comment, or two, anonymously if you'd like. Because why not.

Take care of yourselves, have some tea, and sleep a lot while you can.

x

PS: The about me section has been updated, any comments or feedback? 

I've been thinking

I stopped blogging because I used to think this post isn't what anybody would like to read, or who would want to read about my boring life when there are hundreds out there who climb mountains and sail the oceans everyday and this post is a conscious effort on my part to stop doing that. It's my blog. You signed up for this, enjoy now.

• I came out as bisexual to my parents earlier this year. Currently I'm not sure if bi or pan suits me better, so I'm just going with queer.

(Update: I think pansexual suits me better, so that's that for now.)

• I am seeing a counsellor to help me basically with my self esteem and trust issues which she too, underlined as the 2 most important ones, along with all the other bullshit that wrecks my head up.
• I got my nose pierced on the right side and got one more ear piercing each, so total 5 wheeee! 
• I'm actually started appreciating myself more as of late. I'm not completely on the 'self loving' level yet, but I'm trying.
• I was NOT ready for the season finale of spn s9. 
• I am no longer afraid of social dancing. I actually quite enjoyed it. To be fair, I'm pretty new at this. Last week was my 4th party ever.
• I've gotten better with people. I made a new friend that party night.
• I got loads of fandom gifts on my birthday in April so that is really great news!

Here's a quote and a selfie with the nose ring to end this blessed post.

Be back soon x

Happy Teacher's Day Neelam Foi! How I Wish You Were Here Right Now :)

"Nai maaf neechu nishaan" (basically means, always aim HIGH!) is what you would always say. You have no idea how many times all of us continue to quote you!

You're the first person my mind jumps to, when I think about teachers, so I miss you that much more today.

Everything happened so fast .. You were eating, enjoying, watching cricket and wishing us a good day everyday, and suddenly, you just weren't yourself. Everyone says that you're in a "better place" right now. I hope, actually I know you are. But that doesn't really help! :P I still feel like crying .. I miss you. SO MUCH.

Remember all those times you would take my textbooks and read them out to me? I would always cheat a little in Geography. Whether you noticed and let it go, or you didn't, you would always be so happy reading me stories!

I remember how I loved 'Dashavtar' and I couldn't read it myself as it was in Gujrati and you would read it to me. And Bambi. And Tintin. And Nancy from the newspapers! And the English comic strip every Sunday from the paper..

When you were not all that well but I told you about how I was doing Shakespeare's Macbeth in my workshop and you looked through your cupboard all day and found me your copy.. Thank you!

You went out and whenever you did, you would without fail, ALWAYS get Bhuvs and me chocolates. And the way you would give us money not only on our birthdays, but yours as well! As well as on any holiday, on your father's anniversary.. Thank you!

The way you would wish us 'Good morning, good day, bye!' every morning before we went to school and 'goodnight' before going to sleep.. Thank you!

Thank you for all those times you let Bhuvan and me sneakily watch cartoons when we were supposed to study. For all those times you missed your shows and cricket just so we could watch our silly Shinchan and Pokemon! For all those times you would sit next to us and hand over the remote to us for watching whatever we would like.

For all those times you would tell us mom dad were in the building because you would notice their car enter the building, each time you would cover up for us in front of mumma and pappa, just so they would never scold us.. Thank you!

But especially I thank you for always having never ending faith in me. For motivating and encouraging me. For believing in me. For believing that I would be able to do what I wanted, in life.

Thank you for thinking, and telling everyone that I really was working hard for my tenth boards. You were the only one at the time who said that :D

I wish you wouldn't have fallen ill. I wish I never had to see you that way.. I wish you were there to see me score such a good percentage in tenth! I wish you could've been there physically, when I got admission in my college. I wish you were here right now. I miss you Neelam Foi. 

You never got to eat the cheese burst pizzas. You never saw India do so well in Olympics. You didn't see me win something because of my writing.

But what I do know, is that you're smiling down at us from up there. That you're eating all the yummy food that there is in the world! That you read books and watch cricket. 

Happy Teacher's Day Neelam Foi. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all that you did, and didn't do. I was a stupid idiot back then. I wish I would have gotten to tell you how I feel but I know you know. I love you. I love you so much.

I miss you ..

The Nokia Apptasting Event!

You know what's the awesome-st part of being an Indiblogger? Apart from the fact that it builds your network, you meet other bloggers yada yada yada? THE MEETS!

The Happy-5th-anniversary Indi-Cake!

Confused Soul & Me.

Vikas Khanna and moi. :D :D :D

This was my 2nd meet, and I was extra excited regarding this because last time I had had a blaast! :D

So I'm going to tell you all, even if you don't want to know, about the meet! =D
Also, my wit is active mode par only when I'm conversing or sometimes randomly. So do not expect a lot of funny stuff, but cheesy and cute and real? SORTED BRO.

The event was held at Taj Lands End, Bandra from 5.30 to 10.30 pm.

Highlights of the evening :

• Beautiful ambiance, lovely light work and seating arrangements.
• Rajiv Makhni and Vikas Khanna as hosts! 
• The ramp walk and introduction of the 'Silent Movie Film Director' app.
• The 'Group Shot' app.
• The techies and foodies quiz which was HILA-flipping-RIOUS!
• The Indi-Cake cutting ^^
• 21 Fools' Cards

BEAUTIFUL! no?

So anyway, I read Rajiv Makhni's column about Outlook recently and what I always thought was that techies are not all that funny and awesome *shameface*
Intelligent and amazing yes, but I never ever knew that they can be this hilarious! Atleast Rajiv can! The spontaneous wit and teasing contestants, it made us laugh like crazy. :D

Especially the part where his coat(?) had to be fixed and he's like "oh, you don't want us to start?" to the man. I don't know why, but this made me laugh!

I also didn't know (as it turns out, I don't know a hell lotta things :P) that chefs can be this ADORABLE! :')

Vikas Khanna is extremely sweet. He has this adorable (I'm so boring :P) Punjabi accent which makes you want to go all d'awwwwwwwwwww.
And his expressions are epic too. :D
Also, during the quiz, there was this true/false question. The first team got it wrong and so he goes all 'shouldn't it pass' and a minute later he said that he got it. That laugh and expression = priceless. :D
[Also, if you haven't guessed already, I'm fangirling. (No points for guessing Sherlock.)]

Vikas Khanna and me. WHEEEEEEEEE! ^^

The Nokia Apps!

When TDKR released, I was pretty jealous of all Lumia users because they got all those coolsome wallpapers/screensavers of TDKR :[
But now, I have all the more reasons to be envious of them :|

1. The Silent Movie Film Director 

The ramp walk with these 2 females along with Vikas was spectacular! I'm going to run out of adjectives because you just had to be there to feel it! Then Rajiv used the app and created this Charlie Chaplin-esque short movie which was actually really funny! This is something I can totally imagine doing while I'm with my cousins or friends, doing vellapanti ^^

2. Nokia City Lens

Random photo of the duo!

So this app lets you view food/emergency/party places/anything actually without you having to receive a 'proper' GPS signal out on the street. It shows you how far it is, and click on it to get additional information like the contact details! Suchayy useful app to have!

3. Foodspotting for Windows

Foodspotting is a pretty popular app but for the uninitiated (hi-5! :P), it's an app that lets you browse through literally LOADS of restaurant and dishes.

You can select the dish before ordering and you will not only get to read the reviews of the people who've had this before, but will also get to see a picture taken by them!

4. Group Shot

One of the clicks

This is THE BEST APP EVER!

In group shots, one person ALWAYS is looking away, has red eyes, forgot to pose, or quite simply, does not like the photo (me! me!).

So this God-sent app lets you select the best shot per person among the 4-5 clicks, eg : I looked best in the 3rd click, you in the 5th, so it takes these and merges them into one photo! Voila! You have the perfect group shot =) No longer is that a myth!

* The quiz I spoke, rather wrote about?
These girls won it! :D

Two Nokia phones. Talk about awesomeness! :D

* Vikas Khanna

AWWWWWWWWWW!

* Quite seriously, these two were amazing,sweet, hilarious, in your face funny hosts!

* Indi-Cake! :D

* The Indi-Nokia Tee :D

One more tee to flaunt off. B|

* The 21 Fools's Card. Find out ALL about it on 21fools.com

It's a beautiful, really sweet initiative! Recently, on the 15th of August on our Independence Day, they sent cards to the soldiers who protect us :)
Go check them out!

AWW!

I had a wonderful time! I didn't quite meet a lot of bloggers this time around, but these hosts made up for it. MORE THAN MADE UP FOR IT! =)

To be honest, when I got that photo clicked with Vikas Khanna, and later a pic with both Vikas & Rajiv and Confused Soul, I was grinning and going red like a CRAZZAY person on a joy high. Which I was, but still.

Me, looking like crap, but hey,whatever! :P

I just uploaded the picture of me with Vikas Khanna  today onto my social networking sites, and I got all these comments from ze ladies,  (just to show off and everything. NO, just FYI. I don't know why you would want to know this, but um, yes. *awkward pause*. Read till the end maybe?)

• "DP. YOU MET THE HOTNESS!"
• "I hope you didn't faint. Main faint ho jaati!"
• "Amazing DP & Vikas Khanna"
• "OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG. Lucky you" (This on being told that it's Vikas Khanna's arm around my shoulder in the pic xD)
• " Omg! Omg! Omg! :-*"
• " whoaaaa... awesome!!! :))) I missed it, ahem ahem missed Vikas Khanna basically...*tch tch*"
• " Let me die already!! D: Aaaaaah, I am so jealous! >_________<"

P.S The images have all been stolen off of 

1. Blogwati G  's photo album. She's also the one who clicked that photo of mine. THANK YOU! <3

2.Firoze Shakir's Flickr Stream. 

3. Indiblogger's Facebook Photo Album.

4. Absolutely Insane 's blog.

That's it. :D
Tadaaa, the post is up! 

Goodnight and stay awesome. :D

My mane tale.

All the images used in this post are of my own. They haven't been edited in any way. Any change in complexion/color is due to the angle/light source. Please excuse my amateur photography! :P
-------------------------------------


"Curly hair, just like her mothers'!" ..

I was born blessed with springy curly hair, which is now reduced to wavy, half curly hair thanks to pollution, stress, damage and everything.

My curly hair came with a different set of problems altogether. 

• No conditioner and it is really harsh and dry.
• Sometimes even a little conditioner and it turns my hair and scalp greasy.
• Hair takes ages to dry. A-G-E-S!
• My hair looks dry, but the part near my scalp, which is on the inside does not dry in the normal 2 hours it takes for the rest of my hair to dry.
• If I wash my hair on the eve or the morning I have to meet somebody new/special or on any occasion, there is NO GUARANTEE they'll turn out the way I want them to. They turn out differently after every wash. OhYeah

I was happy with my brand of shampoo and conditioner, I never had any split ends or any grave problems as such.

My hair is very voluminous which sucks at times because I can't leave it open.. That way, it poofs up even more and it's not a pretty sight >_<

Anyhoo, so yeah there was a little hairfall, during exam times filled with coffee and late nights, I'd have a flaky scalp but I considered it normal.. It is,no?

Once, during my exams, I was staying at my cousin's place in town. My hair felt really icky and so I washed it with the shampoo&conditioner she had, Dove.
I always knew Dove was really gentle but since I was happy with my hair, I never tried out any different brands.

I washed my hair with Dove, and conditioned it. I never blow dry my hair, so I gently towel dried it and waited for it to dry completely.
2-3 hours later, I looked into the mirror, and WHOA! My hair looked better, it was shining, the volume was much greater and it felt really soft to touch too.
Bas, one wash and I fell in love! One wash, and that was the end of my hair problems!



Since then, I have been using Dove's range of hair products, I used the 'Nourishing oil care range' , then, since my Dove Gift Hamper got here, I've been using Dove Intense Repair. So far, so great! :D

Good hair not only makes you feel better about yourself, it makes you happy. Good hair days make me HAPPYMAX! =D 

* Curly, straight or wavy hair,

Oil them, wash them, treat them with care.

Satin shine and cotton soft,

Cherish your tender locks.

Traditional recipes, or new age products,

Being mild and gentle is a must.

* Happy with what I had, I never looked for better,

Then I chanced upon something new,

Which changed my world, changed my view.

Dove made me see my hair a different way,

I can't express in words no matter how much I say.

My curls soft, like they'd never been before,

Mild, fragnant, amazing, I need nothing more!

Dove is Love.

This an entry for the "... and that was the end of my hair problems!" contest by Dove on Indiblogger. This is their 'Hair Aware App' which not only checks how much you know about your hair, but also suggests the Dove shampoo&conditioner range best suited for your use. 

Quotes Love #1

Everything that you or I do, it has a reason. A big reason, a small reason, a reason we announce to the world, a reason we keep buried within our hearts, but it DOES have a reason.

People change, relationships do too, and you cry, and suffer and realize that this is ALWAYS going to happen. Whether you like it or not!

And I know the last line is true. Some crushes, infatuations, they don't work out, why? Because something better is in store for you! (And me too :P)

This is me! =P

I'm selfish sometimes, and I'm insecure too.
I've made a hell lot of mistakes, I could write a book about them, or two!
I am impulsive and when the inner bitch is unleashed, I will rip you apart with my words. It's not a thing to be proud of, I know. And I don't really tear people to pieces unless you REALLY REALLY do something horrible to me, or people I care for.

And yes, recently I have begun to understand that I should always respect MYSELF first, I am who I am, I'm trying to be better, stronger, but,

 if you can't handle my mood swings, you don't deserve me being there for yours!

Wish you all a beautiful, sensible, safe Monday and the week ahead!

Know Me A Little More!

Why? Coz this is ME! Also, aivai. :P

 Ridx :) tagged me and here is my post!

1. Have you ever written (or started to write) a book?

 Yes, I did start, when I was around 12, and then left it after a chapter or two. Have a lot of ideas, will start again soon. :D

2. What one thing confuses you most about men/women?

  There is no one such thing, or quality that confuses me. People in general usually confuse or weird me out!

3. What would you do if you had a million dollars?

  Buy all Crossword shops :P Put the money into a bank and maybe buy a comfortable house for my parents.

4. If your life was a song, what would the title be?

  She Lived. Bas!

5 Are you good at Chess?

  Nope. I have tried my hand at it 4-5 times and no, it is SO not my cup of tea! *shame face*

6. Would you rather be rich or healthy?

  Rich. That way, unless I have some incurable disease, I can get it treated by world renowned doctors. And even if my disease can not be cured, I can spend my last days in luxury and comfort.

7. Would you rather be good looking or rich?

  Good looking! :D I can then maybe get into modelling? Or anyway, I'd rather be jaw dropping gorgeous than jaw dropping rich.

8. What is the ultimate dream vacation?

  A secluded beach with my partner, or Disneyland kind of place with my family/cousins/friends! :D

9. If you could be an animal, what animal would you want to be?  Why?

  A cat. They're adorably cute creatures. And they do what they want. :D 

10. How would you describe your idea of the perfect life?

  I haven't given that much thought, but probably working my ass off till about 65, then retiring into a beautiful bungalow with my partner and enjoying reading books, homely dinners that aren't horribly burnt or anything :P  and playing with cats!

11. How long do you think you would last in a zombie attack?

   Pretty long, I think.

I'm not tagging any bloggers in this post. 

Also, also, BLOGOVERSARY ON 1ST OF JULY!!

Beeg plans, as of now. :D Insha Allah, it'll work out. :D

Wish you all a safe, beautiful and chilled out week ahead. 

Because Every Band-Aid Has To Be Ripped off,Sooner Or Later.

Dear Friend, you said you'll come home, a million times till date, and somehow the plans never materialized. You lead me on, maybe unknowingly, but I'm filled with false hope, and then you let me down. Where were you when my world was on fire? When I was crying all day and surrounded by sad crappy sad things? You weren't here for me.

You know what hurts more? I was there for you, I did all I could. You were busy with classes, ok. Busy with your own personal problems, ok. But how much time does one phone call really take? Sigh.

Dear Friend #2, remember that day when you called me in the morning almost crying over the phone itself? You told me what was wrong and I came over to yours, to try and comfort you. I was there for your fights, with your parents, I took your side when everyone said you're an idiot, I consoled and spoke to your partner when that person didn't want to even speak to you.
And we, we aren't in touch even, properly. You call when you need something, when I need someone, you are never around. In my 6 months of my foot injury, did you EVER ask about my foot?

When I met new people, you said I'm forgetting you all, I never did. I always made time, for our plans, for everything. If I could, I would.

I kept wondering, what'd I do wrong? Am I not worth that one message? One phone call? 10-12 years of friendship, and it all boils down to this?
I felt lonely. And abandoned. And so annoyed, frustrated.
But not anymore.

One wise person told me, that sometimes you just outgrow some relationships. And though it felt like a cruel blow to my ears, I know it is true.
Maybe you have found someone better, who understands you more, maybe you have changed your priorities.
So today, I'm forgiving myself for hating myself beause of other people.For questioning my worth. For feeling sad over these now-extremely-awkward friendships.
Whatever happens, if we talk once a month, or directly after a year, I'll always love you!

I'm shaking off this whole thing, and ripping off the band-aids. It'll hurt, God it already does, but it will get better someday. HAS TO!

This doesn't mean I hate you. It just means I've accepted what's happening and I will no longer dwell on it, or complain about it.

Have a KICKASS weekend! =D

Drama. So much of it.

I can smell the stench of your wicked thoughts, as they violate the air around me. Your manipulations corrode my ears. Your fabricated lies, seep into my lungs spreading a cancer too deep. Your vile utterances slap at my face, mocking me. Your malign words, scratch at my face like nails on a board. 

-Blahblaholic x

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You can also write to me at : itarin.fabregassoler@gmail.com

Few Little Things To Be Happy About =D

So one of my posts won the 3rd prize in the Stayfree 'Time to Change' contest hosted by IndiBlogger, YAAY =D I just received my badge today, look to the right of the blog, yep, THAT! =D

This is the post that won me an Amazon Kindle Keyboard.

The IndiRank got updated yesterday and this little baby went from 57 to 79, awwh :') Also, my poetry blog : Teenage Babblings went from a really sad 24 *hides face* to a 58! So yes, good news,this.

Sonshu from sonshus.blogspot.in sent me the giveaway I won and let me tell you, the earrings are PRECIOUS! 

Thank you so much Sonshu <3 :*

My Logic classes started. Ma'am is crazy strict but really good. Like really really good. So good for me! Boards this year. Hasn't really sunken it :$ Bahut mehnat karni padegi ab!

Also, all of you do go wish Aquib on Twitter here, he blogs at "Brand New Day". It's his happy wala birthday today. Weeee =D

This is it, for now. I'm too lazy, but I'll get to typing all my stories here as drafts and post them soon. Okay? Okay!

I changed the title of the blog, does it make sense? Or does it stick out like a sore thumb? :[  Do let me know,alright? BTW you, anyone of you can always e-mail me, tweet to me,anything. Just check the Contact Me Page ^__^

Have a blessed superawesomelykickass week ahead,y'all.
- Blahblaholic x

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Awesome April #Day24

(Awesome April #Day24)

These quotes say more than I ever can!
Books make me smile, they make me cry, they make me laugh, make me hate some characters!
I cried when Sirius died. I laughed through tears when Molly hits Bellatrix. 

I can't describe what role books play in my life. I fell in love with the book world, when I was in 1st grade :]
They're always there for me. Even when I deliberately hide from people, they are close to my heart.

I've cried like crazy when my favorite fictional characters get hurt, have their heart broken, or worse, die.
I LOVE BOOKS <3 :*

- Blahblaholic x