Barren

She thought of all the lullabies she would never sing, 

as she idly kicked the empty swing.

She reminisced about the aeroplane noises she'd never make,

and all the precautions she would never be told to take. 

She felt a shuddering cold,

As she thought of the parental role into which she'd never mould.

Discarded onesies lie wasted in the room,

Damp with tears, enveloped in gloom.

She sobbed as she thought of all the stories she would never tell,

Just because she let her guard down once, and down she fell.

They were watching her like a hawk, judging her.

(Finally I wrote a fictional post again. YAYY :D | Do read & lemme know how you found it!)

*********

She did things. She thought it was finally to put the past behind her, to move on.

Meera woke up early next morning, she wanted a proper new started, even if that meant going to bed early and waking up in dire need of coffee to find enough strength to brush her teeth!

She switched her phone on and went to freshen up. She returned to find 2 text messages. On was the standard spam message about winning a UK lottery. She shook her head and continued to the 2nd one.

It read :
" Hey there M! Good morning gorgeous. I wish you all the very best on this whole new start. And if you need someone to remind you that it is a brilliant plan when you start to lose faith, you have me. Have a great day! X"

This brought a radiant smile to her face! She knew she could count on him.. And this just went on to prove her right!

She replied with a thanks and went on with her day with boosted confidence.

(9 pm)

Meera had had a long day. But she felt good, she was still humming to herself. She decided to go online for a while to kind of take a break. She deserved it, she said to herself.

As she scrolled through the statuses and photos smiling every now and then, a chat box popped up.

• "How are you doing Meera?! It's been so long! What's up girl?"
• Hi .. I'm doing pretty good, thanks :) How are you?
• "What's going on in life? UPDATE ME! :D"
• Haha, not all that exciting Ria. Just a new job. It's going pretty good, today was my first day. The office looks wonderful Ria, you'd love it!
• "That sounds nice! I'm happy for you!"
• Aww. Thank you! What's new with you?
• "Ah, nothing. Same old, same old. Achha listen, what's with the new boyfriend haan?"
• I'm sorry, what? Come again? WHAT BOYFRIEND?!!
• "You're talking to me babe, drop the act. Heard you're all lovey dovey with Ranjith-whats-his-name .. ?!
• I thought you knew better than that Ria. Guess not! What the hell? We're just close friends. What is wrong with you people?
• "Whoa , slow down there. You broke Mayank's heart 6 months ago. Now you're talking a lot with this guy, at least that's what the rumors state. Of course people are going to assume y'all are together. DUH."
• Even if I am dating him, IF, how is it anyone's bloody business? And guess what, I didn't "break his heart" just for my own entertainment. It wasn't workin... never mind, why should I keep explaining myself to everyone! You know what? Think whatever you want. I don't give a shit. And you can tell your 'rumor mills' to get a life and STOP. SPECULATING. ABOUT. MINE!

She didn't tell anyone but after that day, she felt her world crashing down on her. No longer was she happy about the beautiful day. She thought about what she could do to stop all this as tears streamed down her face.

Why, when she was trying her hardest to move on, were they stuffing it in her face? Why wouldn't they leave her alone? When would they ever stop judging her?

Just because she ended one relationship, did that mean they would continue to look at her this way all the time? 

She sighed. The clock struck twelve. She was going to have a long day tomorrow as well. She sniffed, wiped her face and eased herself onto the bed.

*********

What'd you think about that? :] 

Happy Teacher's Day Neelam Foi! How I Wish You Were Here Right Now :)

"Nai maaf neechu nishaan" (basically means, always aim HIGH!) is what you would always say. You have no idea how many times all of us continue to quote you!

You're the first person my mind jumps to, when I think about teachers, so I miss you that much more today.

Everything happened so fast .. You were eating, enjoying, watching cricket and wishing us a good day everyday, and suddenly, you just weren't yourself. Everyone says that you're in a "better place" right now. I hope, actually I know you are. But that doesn't really help! :P I still feel like crying .. I miss you. SO MUCH.

Remember all those times you would take my textbooks and read them out to me? I would always cheat a little in Geography. Whether you noticed and let it go, or you didn't, you would always be so happy reading me stories!

I remember how I loved 'Dashavtar' and I couldn't read it myself as it was in Gujrati and you would read it to me. And Bambi. And Tintin. And Nancy from the newspapers! And the English comic strip every Sunday from the paper..

When you were not all that well but I told you about how I was doing Shakespeare's Macbeth in my workshop and you looked through your cupboard all day and found me your copy.. Thank you!

You went out and whenever you did, you would without fail, ALWAYS get Bhuvs and me chocolates. And the way you would give us money not only on our birthdays, but yours as well! As well as on any holiday, on your father's anniversary.. Thank you!

The way you would wish us 'Good morning, good day, bye!' every morning before we went to school and 'goodnight' before going to sleep.. Thank you!

Thank you for all those times you let Bhuvan and me sneakily watch cartoons when we were supposed to study. For all those times you missed your shows and cricket just so we could watch our silly Shinchan and Pokemon! For all those times you would sit next to us and hand over the remote to us for watching whatever we would like.

For all those times you would tell us mom dad were in the building because you would notice their car enter the building, each time you would cover up for us in front of mumma and pappa, just so they would never scold us.. Thank you!

But especially I thank you for always having never ending faith in me. For motivating and encouraging me. For believing in me. For believing that I would be able to do what I wanted, in life.

Thank you for thinking, and telling everyone that I really was working hard for my tenth boards. You were the only one at the time who said that :D

I wish you wouldn't have fallen ill. I wish I never had to see you that way.. I wish you were there to see me score such a good percentage in tenth! I wish you could've been there physically, when I got admission in my college. I wish you were here right now. I miss you Neelam Foi. 

You never got to eat the cheese burst pizzas. You never saw India do so well in Olympics. You didn't see me win something because of my writing.

But what I do know, is that you're smiling down at us from up there. That you're eating all the yummy food that there is in the world! That you read books and watch cricket. 

Happy Teacher's Day Neelam Foi. Thank you for everything. Thank you for all that you did, and didn't do. I was a stupid idiot back then. I wish I would have gotten to tell you how I feel but I know you know. I love you. I love you so much.

I miss you ..

New Beginnings! (A Short Story)

" .. But I can't!" she ended, looking away.

"You can.. Of course you can! You know I love you, always have, always will. Just this once, forget what your mind is trying to tell you. Please, I'm begging you, begging you for one chance .."

She was hurt. And betrayed. And lost.

It took her months to begin to accept that it really was over .. Why would she want to go down the same path? Isn't it said that once you repeat it, it's no longer a mistake, it is stupidity.

"What about Perth? The cat you promised you'd get me? What about our engagement? Why?" she'd shouted that night, her mind refusing to believe he would desert her just like that.

"I know what you're thinking.. I am not him Beth, you know me!" he said, trying to convince her.

"I thought I knew him too..." she trailed off.

* 2 days later*

"You're my friend. And because of you, actually make that, thanks to you, I could survive what happened. You're why I didn't give up, you're why I threw away physically, and mentally, everything that I'd been carrying all these years. 

You're the reason I want to be new. More. Better.

And hey, I say, let's give it a try!" she messaged him.

To New Beginnings! :]

Her Never Ending Nightmare.

I sit here, pushing down spoonfuls of ice cream down my throat. Tears stream down my face, I never knew we would fall apart. I thought it was some temporary thing.. Your parents, tension, this inflation and everything.

We used to be so amazing, I remember when J&S would always keep asking us how we'd never let it get ugly. Only if they could see us now.

Feels like it was just yesterday, when we were screaming in your living room. You saw me crying, but you kept on fighting. We fought and cried, and shouted some more. Finally, I left.

By now, just about everybody would have gotten to know.. About us.. Oh wait, there is no us anymore.

Feels like a never-ending nightmare.

"Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes? Coz this is hard as it gets, Is this what it feels like to really cry? Cryyy.." (Kelly Clarkson)

Because Every Band-Aid Has To Be Ripped off,Sooner Or Later.

Dear Friend, you said you'll come home, a million times till date, and somehow the plans never materialized. You lead me on, maybe unknowingly, but I'm filled with false hope, and then you let me down. Where were you when my world was on fire? When I was crying all day and surrounded by sad crappy sad things? You weren't here for me.

You know what hurts more? I was there for you, I did all I could. You were busy with classes, ok. Busy with your own personal problems, ok. But how much time does one phone call really take? Sigh.

Dear Friend #2, remember that day when you called me in the morning almost crying over the phone itself? You told me what was wrong and I came over to yours, to try and comfort you. I was there for your fights, with your parents, I took your side when everyone said you're an idiot, I consoled and spoke to your partner when that person didn't want to even speak to you.
And we, we aren't in touch even, properly. You call when you need something, when I need someone, you are never around. In my 6 months of my foot injury, did you EVER ask about my foot?

When I met new people, you said I'm forgetting you all, I never did. I always made time, for our plans, for everything. If I could, I would.

I kept wondering, what'd I do wrong? Am I not worth that one message? One phone call? 10-12 years of friendship, and it all boils down to this?
I felt lonely. And abandoned. And so annoyed, frustrated.
But not anymore.

One wise person told me, that sometimes you just outgrow some relationships. And though it felt like a cruel blow to my ears, I know it is true.
Maybe you have found someone better, who understands you more, maybe you have changed your priorities.
So today, I'm forgiving myself for hating myself beause of other people.For questioning my worth. For feeling sad over these now-extremely-awkward friendships.
Whatever happens, if we talk once a month, or directly after a year, I'll always love you!

I'm shaking off this whole thing, and ripping off the band-aids. It'll hurt, God it already does, but it will get better someday. HAS TO!

This doesn't mean I hate you. It just means I've accepted what's happening and I will no longer dwell on it, or complain about it.

Have a KICKASS weekend! =D

She Welcomed The Velvety Numbness.

She bit back another retort which had lodged itself onto her tongue at lightning speed. The unreasonable, illogically harsh words cut at her heart. She barely spoke unrestrained herself since the winter 6 years ago.
6 years ago.. When she was taught what happened to little girls who disobeyed her parents. She sub consciously rubbed the marks the lashing whip had left on her hip bones.

She clenched her teeth, her stomach squeezed and she had to hold onto everything to stop acting on her instincts and lashing out. She wouldn't cry. They weren't worth it. Never were.

She had tried running away. They always managed to find her. And she didn't even enough cash to leave this town behind.  She had been prepared for this. She had readied herself, since that incident 6 years ago. Because there was no one she had, who was worth enduring all of this.

She waited till the next day when her wretched father left for work and her so called mother went to buy groceries. Timing was crucial. Timing was everything.

She broke all of the glasses,one by one. She broke the glass bottles, all of them, on her head. The tiny shards pricked her head. They pierced her now blood-stained porcelain skin. Blood erupted from a dozen places. But she didn't stop. This was what she had wanted. The shards of glass were embedded into her skin. A pool of blood now was collected beneath her limp body.

The last bottle did it.. She couldn't move. She welcomed the velvety numbness, as it crawled all over her, suffocating her. She embraced the darkness as it creeped onto her. Her breath came out in short rasps as she waited for it to end. Finally.

"I am not sorry" she managed, before her body finally gave up.

P.S If you wanted a psychological insight into Suicide, check Hazel's latest post here.

P.P.S Isn't that signature cute? All thanks to Valli who writes brilliant poems. Check her blog here!

Maria, Oh Maria!

She stared down bravely. She knew what she was doing, rather she had planned this and she would carry on with the plan to the T.

She squeezed her eyes shut and her heart thumped loudly, she could hear her blood ringing in her ears. She sent a silent prayer to the man above, and jumped. Her lithe body, arms gracefully spread like an angel, she crashed into the icy dark waves. Her body tossed & turned like a ragged old mannequin. Her breath came in gasps as the salty water burned her eyes. Her body convulsed and the icy water began to freeze her lungs. She saw herself in kindergarten, performing ballet on the stage. She was 14 and was elected the head of the drama club. Her parents' 50th anniversary. Her first kiss. Her driving license. Her mind started to numb down, she knew it was time to say goodbye. But to whom? Her parents didn't want her. Her sister hated her. And she had no other family.

 'Maria, mariaa' she heard someone call.. Alex! Oh sweet Alex, her love, had come to save her. She pictured his perfect luscious lips, his rock hard abs, his yummy cologne, but he'd gone off with Anne...? Ah! He must have seen the error of his ways. Her body was tossed again and she felt the numbness set in to her very bones. Something warm touched her. Another person... She fluttered her eyelashes, trying to fight the exhaustion, she wanted to look into his electrifying blue eyes..one last time. She struggled and squinted, but she was met with a pool of warm chocolate staring back at her with worry,fear and something else too. Love. It was Zayn. 

She then realized it had been Zayn all along.

-Blahblaholic x

P.S Zayn coz Zayn Malik is drooolicious =D

Inner Demons.

Close to me, so close, that I can smell your breath,

Inhale your intoxicating scent,

Wrap you in my arm, so tight.

Tell you everything once for all,

Plunge, take that jump, unafraid of the fall,

Open up my ugly side to you,

Through my eyes I'll let you glimpse a view.

Hold me through the night,

As my tears fall healing the scars,

Let me know you'll be there for me,
And then I can finally set all my skeletons free.

-Blahblaholic x

P.S I had written this in January, posted it now. Also, if you're interested in reading other poems by me, head to -> Teenage Babblings